The Dreaded XMas Photo
by De-Irish-Waffle
Summary: It's that time of year....the first annual State Military Christmas photo. Oh the agony.....Told in Al's POV he's the camera dude!


HELLO, EVERYONE!! Merry Christmas- well, it's kinda late, but I've been dying to make a FMA Christmas one shot. It popped into my mind and stuck, so here it is! Hope you all like it. And, of course, review. Those are meh X-Mas prezzies.

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Well, it's that time of year ……the first annual State Military Christmas photo. Thank kitties and cream that it's over and done with! This year's was a disaster. Well, it was our first year….what do you expect?

When I said disaster, it's not like anyone died or anything serious, but there was just so many tiny problems that got on everyone's nerves. Though I swear Mustang looked like he was going to explode any minute. Havoc and Breda kept glancing over at the huge windows behind the Colonel's desk, as if they wanted to jump out of them.

I guess I should start at the beginning to show you how crazy everything was.

It all started with Fuhrer Bradley requesting that every unit take a holiday photo to put out on the big bulletin board (the one that you see every time you enter and exit Central HQ). He also mentioned something about putting the photos together in a special album- or was it for some kind of record? Who knows. The picture's for _something._ This really made Mustang pissed- excuse my language, but he was REALLY mad. Everyone that worked in Central HQ had to show up for work extra early for some reason for the photo, and we all know how happy we're if we are forced to show up for work _early_ for no apparent reason. I'm sure everyone would be in a cheery mood. Note my sarcasm.

So, first off, brother and I came into the office first. Well, he was still sleeping- no more like unconscious. On my back. He just refused to get up this morning because of the picture, and I tried to get him up but he was being fussy, so I just whacked him on the head with a frying pan and bam! Out like a light was Edward. I also managed to get him dressed in a fuzzy red turtleneck and nice black slacks ( The Fuhrer also asked everyone to wear festive Christmas like clothes). Boy was he in for a treat when he awoke! Let's just say he chased me all around the office. It now looks like fifteen tornadoes went through.

A little while later a frustrated Colonel Mustang and his somewhat baby sitter Riza Hawkeye came in. They were both dressed in black: Mustang looking sharp in all black, suit and all, and Riza was lovely looking in a simple black dress that went to her knees. Oh, they were so cute: they're a perfect couple! Woah! Got a bit sidetracked, sorry…oh and Black Hayate was also there with a pair of reindeer antlers on his cute lil head, aww- okay enough cuteness!

Where was I? Oh yeah, well, seeing the condition his office was in (courtesy of me and Ed), Mustang had a huge hissy fit and, well, he and brother got into it. But one shot of a bullet coming from Riza and everyone stopped in their tracks. Hawkeye ordered brother and me to clean up the office and Mustang to get finished with his paperwork, which was sitting on his desk in a messy unorganized pile. Bigger than usual ( Mustang left HQ earlier yesterday. Went to the bar and had a few drinks….more like _ten_.). So with a gun pointed at his head, the steaming Colonel went to work. Hey, the paperwork has to get done _sometime_, right?

A short while later, Falman and Fuery came in. Once again Fuery found a little homeless puppy outside of Central HQ, but before anyone could say anything the small dog escaped Fuery's grasp and fell to the floor. Unfortunately, Black Hayate was not too far away and the two dogs ended up chasing each other all around the Colonel's office and out the door, high pitched barks echoing through the whole building. We were about to go and chase them when we heard a man scream and a loud thud coming from the hallway, so we went and investigated. It was Breda, passed out in front of the office door, a box of doughnuts and Christmas cookies spread out all over the floor. " D-d-d-dogs," he whispered before he was completely gone…for the moment, anyway.

I hauled him inside while everyone else went on the hunt for Black Hayate and the other dog. Breda recovered a few minutes later, asking where the doughnuts and cookies were. I threw them out because they were all over the floor (who wants to eat a floor doughnut?) He got mad at me and locked himself in the closet, refusing to come out.

Eventually everyone returned, Black Hayate on a red and green striped leash and the other dog in a dog carrier. It had a vicious scowl on its face, and it looked like it was going to maul anyone who got in its way. The dog was growling like a demon. Then Havoc entered the office suddenly with a gun in his hand, and, thinking the dog was a threat to us all, shot it to death. We had no idea what to do with the dead dog, so we threw it out the window. It kinda made me sad. That poor puppy!

Apparently Havoc forgot the photo was today, for he was in his military uniform. So he had to go home and change. Mustang was having a mini meltdown. "Dammit! Hughes, Armstrong, and Breda aren't here yet!" he yelled. I told him that Breada was in the closet and refused to come out unless someone gave him a doughnut. With his alchemic fire power, Mustang burnt down the door and dragged a whining Breda out. The Colonel was furious. " DAMMIT, BREDA, STOP ACTING LIKE A FRICKIN' CHILD AND ACT MATURE FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMMED LIFE!! OH SHIT, YOU HAVE A JELLY DOUGHNUT STAIN ON YOUR SHIRT- GO CHANGE!!" So Breda left with Havoc. We all decided to avoid Mustang for the time being.

In the meantime, a special delivery was mailed to the office. It was a big box of Christmas decorations: snowmen, Santas, all that fun stuff. Apparently it was another requirement from Fuhrer Bradley that all the rooms in HQ were festively decorated. Mustang got even grumpier. " We don't need any décor. The office looks fine." But of course there was a catch. Mustang found a note in the box that read:

_Dear Colonel Roy Mustang and crew (mainly Roy Mustang),_

_You better decorate your office with these decorations for the Christmas photo or your fired._

_Haha. You're never going to become Fuhrer._

_FUHRER King Bradley_

Mustang practically had kittens.

So we put up all the decorations, along with Havoc and Breda's help, who just returned from changing into the appropriate attire (obviously Breda had a doughnut, for he was in a good mood). But, of course, things turned bad.

Well, first Fuery got tangled in the Christmas lights- I mean _really_ _tangled._ It was like he was caught in a spider web or something. Have no clue how that happened. But anyways, Falman rushed over to help him, but he tripped over some streamers on the floor, resulting in Falman falling (heh, get it? He's Falman and he's falling…..cool joke) on Mustang, whose whole body rammed into the Christmas tree, which came down on Havoc, whose lit cigarette caused the whole tree to go up in flames. We all had to evacuate the office, but thank kitties and tuna fish for Hawkeye; she called the fire department before anything happened. " I had them waiting outside the door," Hawkeye said, " I knew they'd have to come, not really because of this situation, but I thought Mustang would totally loose it and put something on fire."

Now that that whole mess was over and done with, we continued to put up decorations (Fuery was NOT to handle the lights). Between this time Major Armstrong burst through the office, pink sparkles and all, and tried to get everyone in a group hug. Everyone hid before he had the chance. Breda locked himself in the closet again. Though it wasn't long when he came out because Armstrong had a plate of delicious looking Christmas brownies to cheer everyone up. I watched as everyone took a brownie and began to eat (Breda had seven.), but it wasn't long before everyone started throwing up. Everywhere. I managed to stop Black Hayate from licking it up.

After a gruesomely long visit from the HQ nurse, everyone was decent enough to finish putting up the decorations. Hawkeye went out and purchased a few scented candles to try to hide the puke stench that stuck to the room. The vanilla smelling candles did wonders.

Now, to Mustang's distaste, the office looked fully prepared for Christmas, with its blinking lights and beautiful Christmas tree…and a bunch of other little things. Brother transmuted tiny miniature reindeer and elves to put on the desks….the reindeer were actually mauling the elves, which looked a lot like Mustang. Havoc and Breda set up all the Christmas lights while Mustang and Hawkeye made snowflakes and put them on the windows- aww, they look so sute together. Darn, I'm sidetracking again…. basically it was all a Christmas Wonderland.

But there was someone missing. " Where the HELL is Hughes?!" he bellowed to no one in particular. He spoke too soon- just then the ceiling began to shake. The vibrations became stronger; little bits of ceiling started to break and hit the floor. "Oh shit…." the Colonel groaned. Everyone hit the deck and hid under the desk (guess where Breda went.) as the whole center of the ceiling collapsed. A man dressed in a Santa suit came crashing down. Guess who it was. Hughes. And he had pictures of Elicia… we all ran for it. I swear someone changed the Christmas songs that were on the radio to that creepy Jaws music.

We didn't get far before Hughes cornered us and waved pictures of his daughter dressed in pink frills in our faces. We all just decided to suck it up and look at Hughes's pictures. All two hundred and forty-seven of them.

Exhausted, we dragged ourselves back to the Christmas Wonderland that was Roy Mustang's office. A note was placed neatly on the Colonel's desk, which Mustang unfolded and read.

_Dear Colonel Roy Mustang and crew (mainly Roy Mustang),_

_You better have your Christmas photo taken and developed by 12:00pm today, or your fired. _

_Haha. You're never EVER going to become Fuhrer. You're gonna be stuck with Colonel forever. HAHAHAHAHHA!!!_

_FUHRER King Bradley_

I never saw Mustang look so angry. Well, he did end up throwing a chair out the window.

At the mention of 12:00pm, we all turned toward the clock to observe the time. It was 11:28. We had to _move._

Because I wasn't in the military, I took the liberty in taking the State Military photo. I never used a digital camera before, so I observed all the weird buttons. It was pretty hard to concentrate though, with Mustang breathing down my metal neck and telling me to hurry up. I managed to figure it all out though.

I ordered everyone (nicely. I don't like to play boss) to stand in front of the Christmas tree. I thought it looked nice. Though brother kept complaining about Christmas trees for some reason and how they were all weird. But Mustang shut him up with his icy glare. _Anyone_ would shut their mouths to that.

It was…challenging when it came to putting everyone in certain spots. Of course the tall people ( Armstrong, Havoc, Mustang, Hawkeye, Hughes) were in the back. But then Mustang just HAD to get playful and tell brother to get in the front because he's short, and GUESS HOW ED REACTED TO THAT. Bad. Let's not go into the details. Just thank kitties and ham Hawkeye AND Havoc had their guns.

Everyone was positioned perfectly. They all had smiles on their faces ( real or fake) and were ready to get the photo over with. But, as I prepared to press the button to take the photo, Havoc exclaimed, " Say Ed is short!" Of course everyone did, but then instantly regretted it as they experienced brother's wrath. Oh, the wrath…..

Unfortunately, that was the ONLY roll of film we were provided (not a full roll? What a rip!). So, while everyone else's State Military photo was pleasant and full of smiling officers, ours was of brother choking Havoc with Breda, Armstrong, and Mustang trying to pry Ed off (yes it takes THAT many people), Black Hayate peeing on Hawkeye's lap, and both Fuery and Falman getting somehow tangled in the Christmas lights. Hughes was just laughing his butt off.

Well, it was the first State Military holiday photo. Maybe next year's will be better. Though honestly, in my opinion, this was the funniest picture I've ever seen! I have it framed and right by my bedside.

Ahh, the memories it'll bring.

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Yay! Me first one shot! Hope you all liked it….huh. Not much to say, except I'm SO sorry for the lack of updates in my stories. I promise I'll get on them straight away. But, what'll REALLY make me happy is reviews. I NEED REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! 


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